I hope that Thursday has been treating you well! If not, the Facebook Gods say that the lunar thingy is happening tomorrow and Mercury is going into retrograde so we’re all screwed… or something.
I was super excited when I got home from work this afternoon to see that my yoga mat finally came in and after Bug went to bed I immediately jumped on YouTube to try it out. We had another stressful day, and a class tonight wasn’t in the cards. Amazon came through for me though, when it showed up at my door.
I stumbled across the Boho Beautiful Channel and after watching a few of their beginner videos, I subscribed to the channel in anticipation of the arrival of my new precious.
I picked out this video, hopped on my fancy new mat, and let the good times roll… until the dreaded panic attack.
***Let’s get a little raw here…just be warned if you struggle with depression, anxiety, or suicide that we’re going to touch on those things. They make me who I am, and I’m not ashamed to admit these parts of myself… but I know and respect that it can be a very sensitive topic for others.***
One of the things that I have learned about myself is that I stay pretty tightly wound during the day… I’m learning to try to relax and accept feelings AS I’m feeling them, but it’s hard. My relationship with Liam’s dad was not a healthy one, and as a result the tendencies that I had intensified significantly.
This has led me to live in what my therapist refers to often as “survival mode.” Which, for me, means that I’m completely shut down. I put on my happy face and to anybody who met me you wouldn’t believe the things that the past two years of my life has dumped in my lap. This doesn’t mean that I’m strong; it just means that I was doing my best to survive day-by-day. Not only wasn’t it healthy, but it led me to develop some less then desirable behaviors because I was just trying to manage. Everything came to a head when I checked myself into the emergency room and spent the following 16 hours on suicide watch. It was a terrifying, horrible, and exactly what I needed.
This is what leads me to how my mental state is now. I can deal with the crisis. I calmly waited my son out this morning while he took a stand (sit?) at Maplefields. I delt with the stress that is having a toddler at work. I grocery shopped, came home, did my chores, and put my little guy to bed.
As soon as I allowed myself to relax and sink into that meditative state that yoga provides, however, the dam is breached and I feel ALL THE THINGS ALL AT ONCE.
Enter… Bogan. My savior.
His usual MO is to follow me around the house, either keeping watch from “his” couch, or the dog bed in my room. It’s not something that he’s been taught, it’s just what he does.
He was a little confused tonight as to why I was lying on this weird smelling purple mat on the floor, but after a thorough inspection of the new mat, he settled onto his dog bed to observe.
As I felt myself starting to struggle, and then eventually give in to the yucky feeling he did what and good ESA would do and helped me out. I was able to pause the video and ride the attack out (with his help, of course) and then pick up where we left off. I can’t do that in a class, and making the deliberate decision to ride it out was terrifying… but also incredibly freeing.
By the end of the video I was back to myself and even got a great benefit from a guided meditation. I feel a lot more centered and truly in control again. I’m ready to work through feeling my feelings as they happen again and excited to try another flow tomorrow.
I think I’m going to start calling them my “Boga” sessions… and do them daily. I used to be terrified to have a panic attack but now that I have my guy, everything seems a lot more manageable.
I’m excited to keep following this path and working towards being the best Mama that I can be. I’m also excited to keep sharing these moments with you guys. I know I’m not the only one out there, and while others might be nervous to be vocal… I want to speak up so that you know that you aren’t alone. This isn’t any more shameful than a back problem, or bad knees. It’s just different. Different isn’t bad and it’s not something to hide!
Besides… I don’t want my mental hurdles to keep me from enjoying all of the moments with my LB, and I’m so eternally grateful that I have Bo to help get me where I need to go! I’m hoping that any of you that are struggling with this can find the same path, and light, that I have… regardless of how you get there. This is something that I’m going to continue to struggle with my entire life and I’m finally accepting of the fact that that is just who I am. It makes me amazing, and it will make you amazing too!
I encourage anybody who is struggling to reach out. To me, a friend, or the hotline of your choosing. You aren’t alone and you can get through this.