Grace Under Pressure

Hey there,

I hope that you all are doing great!

As many of you don’t know, my last relationship completely shattered me. I’m grateful for the pain of it, in the end, because while it tore me all the way down to my foundation it also allowed me to start to rebuild myself.

However yesterday I got some information that was a complete punch to the gut. I was absolutely wild when I walked into the barn that afternoon. I didn’t even know what to do with myself. That type of anger is really rare for me. The blind anger that makes you want to scream, and cry, and plot the worst kinds of revenge. I’ve only ever felt it that intensely one other time in my life.

You see, this entire time I’ve been blaming myself for the dissolution of the relationship. I poured my heart and soul into it, and gave it everything that I had. In the end I was left feeling that it wasn’t enough. That I was too much.

In reality, I was doing the best that I could to survive two years of the most traumatic series of events that I’ve ever survived. There was nothing wrong with me. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically tired. My partner didn’t know how to support of that type of pain and exhaustion. It would be hard for anybody but the strongest of men to shoulder.

Then I learned what I did yesterday, and I couldn’t believe it. After a series of wildly descriptive texts to my best friends, Jamie and John… I thought about what I was going to do next. I was obsessed all day. It felt like a slap in the face. I literally focused on nothing more than how angry I was and what I was going to do next.

Later that night, Bug was having a hard time sleeping so I brought him in bed with me, something that I never do. After a few snuggles, he eventually drifted off and I was left thinking. My thoughts wandered back to being rooted in my anger and sadness. Then I realized… this kid is going to watch me. He’s going to see what I do. Why would I want to give my ex the benefit of any more of our time? We had wasted enough on him as it was.

So in that moment, I forgave him for everything. All of the hurt, and anger, and sadness. I am simply too tired to carry it with me. I don’t want to teach Bug to carry emotions like that. I want him to learn to sit with them, to process them, and then let them go. GracefullyWithout taking revenge. Why should I allow this person, who wasn’t enough for us to continue to direct our future, my feelings, and the example that I set for my child?

Too many people get so consumed in making people feel bad so that the score can be even. I was never the scorekeeper in the relationship, so why would I start now? What is the point in revenge? It just chips away at our own goodness and inner peace. I don’t want to raise my son to be the kind of person who automatically jumps to those thoughts and acts on them. There are already too many people in the world like that.

I want him to learn that sometimes people do bad things to us and that we need to forgive them for ourselves.

I also want him to learn that it is one of the hardest thing in the world to do… but that it is the right thing to do, no matter what. He will know that his mother struggles with it, because she’s a deeply emotional person, but in the end she will always rise above and take the high road.

At the end of the day, my number one priority is raising a strong man that, no matter what is going on in the world around him, will always have a reaction of grace and forgiveness first; never hatred or revenge. He will be a better man for it and the world can always use another good man.

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Peace,

Cathleen

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